All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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