i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
