If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
don't judge my taste in strippers
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
