I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
