My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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