god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
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