Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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