you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
