ugly people sure do ruin things
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
