Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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