wakey wakey hands off snakey
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
