Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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