When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
