is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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