those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
