I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
