Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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