She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
