Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
