Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mom said you looked used
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
