Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
