Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
