News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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