I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
