mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
