The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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