Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Shame is for Republicans.
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