im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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