Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
