So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
