I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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