what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
