Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
not ubering you a puppy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
