I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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