Your face is a jimmy john
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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