I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
