Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
