I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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