she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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