Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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