i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
