dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
