Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
