The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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