I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
