What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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