Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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