And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
