one two three fourrrrnication!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
