dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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