***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
