i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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