Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
