I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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