Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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