OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
